Me and Mountain Dew 2: Caffeinated Boogaloo

Last time, we found our hero mildly perturbed at the villain Funky Fresh after a round in Gears of War.  Will our hero flip out and become Amish, or will he overcome this menace with the help of his favorite Halo endorsed soft drink?  

8:00 PM

I go upstairs and take my first bottle of Game Fuel out of the fridge.  I open the bottle with that satisfying carbonated release.  I sniff this new Mountain Dew’s bouquet trying to observe the classic Mountain Dew base and its new subtleties.  I sip a small bit and swish it around in my mouth, but I don’t swallow it.  “Not bad,” I say to myself.  It tastes different enough from the previous flavors that I can say I’d actually pick this flavor to drink outside this review.  Game Fuel has a lemon lime base that doesn’t overpower and it has a slight cherry flavor to it, but it isn’t as strong as Code Red’s cherry explosion.  Overall, it tastes much like a Shirley Temple (lemon lime soda mixed with grenadine) but has the added benefit of not needing to buy the ingredients or going to a bar to get it.  Plus, this stuff is loaded with caffeine!  That’s what I really want out of it!  Glorious, glorious caffeine! I feel the familiar call of the Big C begging me to swallow the Game Fuel, but I resist.  I’m a professional reviewer now, so I have to test this stuff like some wine-tasting moron.  So I spit out the Game Fuel into a bucket and eat some imported smoked Gouda, you know, to cleanse the palette.  I repeat this process a few more times until I’ve tasted and spit out the whole bottle.  My cat looks at me like I’m nuts, hacks out a fur ball, then goes off to chase a dead cricket. 

I open the next bottle.  I’m excited now.  I finally get to taste the stuff for reals now.  I drink a big gulp of Game Fuel and swallow it.  I fight the urge with all my being to get into a helicopter, jump out, snowboard off a snowy cliff, parachute down to the ocean, and surf a tsunami to Bangladesh all while yelling, “EXTREME!!!!”  I take a few more gulps and slowly come to a horrible conclusion: this may be the best Mountain Dew flavor ever created.  “Why’s that horrible, vyse?” you say.  I’m telling you this is the worst thing that could ever happen to me.  A few years back, I was a Mountain Dew fiend.  I’d drink it even for breakfast.  I’ve finally gotten myself down to just a bottle a day.  Game Fuel is so good that I might start brushing my teeth with it.  So I finish the bottle pretty satisfied.  I go into my backyard for a couple minutes and play a round of tether ball while I wait for the Big C to kick in.

9:00 PM

I go back into my basement misted with the sweat of the best competitive sport ever and start my second phase of testing.  I have to see if the added caffeine in this Mountain Dew really “fuels my game.”  I turn in Gears of War once again so I can provide my post-game tally.  I’ll put it simply: I play for a half hour and win every match.  I don’t just win, I trounce!  To my surprise I start destroying everyone in every match.  I start to scare myself a little, too, because during moments of high intensity I start yelling at the screen.   I even punched myself in the gut after I said, “YEAH, thas how I ROLL!!!” after dodging an explosion and curb-stomping an opponent.  I finish a match triumphantly and go into another one.  I immediately get fragged and hear a familiar voice over the comset, “Yeah, I rule!  Eat my LIZEAD SUCKAH!!!”  Funky Fresh was back, with a vengeance.  What is this guy’s problem, and how can such a lame guy be so good?  I play a few rounds with him and get murdered each time.  “You can’t beat me!!! I been suckin’ oh dah Mastah CheeeeeF all DIZAY!!!” he exclaimed.  “That’s IT!” I said to myself.  I need more Game Fuel.

My initial post-Game Fuel tally:

Wins: 18
Losses: 5

To be continued…