Until I Love Myself Manga Examines Gender Identity, Inwards and Outwards

It is difficult to talk about Until I Love Myself: The Journey of a Nonbinary Manga Artist volume 1 without addressing the elephant in the room. What this proverbial elephant might be changes depending on who you are and what your lived experiences are. That is precisely what Poppy Pesuyama’s autobiographical manga is all about. It has to do with perspective. Primarily, Pesuyama’s own perspective and relationship to their own body. But more chillingly, other people’s entitled perspectives to a life and a body that doesn’t belong to them.

Poppy Pesuyama is a Japanese nonbinary manga artist. In the opening chapter to this first volume, they introduce themselves as such. They were assigned female at birth (AFAB,) meaning that they were born in a body with female primary sex characteristics. Their perspective, however, is that their assigned gender doesn’t corresponds with their lived experience. In truth, for Pesuyama it can’t correspond. The elephant in the room, from Pesuyama’s perspective, is how seriously the society surrounding them is going to take them, based on how they present themselves. Of course, all that matters is that they are treated with respect.

However, throughout their life, Pesuyama experienced plenty of disrespect in regards to their identity. Being AFAB exposed Pesuyama to having their body constantly objectified by others and their role in society chosen for them from a young age. This comes up early in the manga, localized by Emily Balistrieri, throughout the chapters talking about the sexual harassment they experienced working for manga artist X in 2013 (his name is censored in the volume for legal reasons) and the indifference that most other assistants at the studio showed. It also appears in the chapters exploring their childhood, as they moved away from being seen as simply a kid and grew up into a young “girl,” as seen by childhood friends and adults alike.

This is undoubtedly one of the biggest elephants in the room present in Until I Love Myself. The events related to Pesuyama’s experience of sexual abuse are hard to read and can be triggering to some. Similarly, the effect that this abuse had on Pesuyama’s mental health, and them lashing out against loved ones can be a hard read. However, these passages are always handled with extreme care and respect, and are elevated by Pesuyama’s simple and beautiful art style. Pesuyama manages to talk about their experience with sexual abuse and their deteriorating mental health with the seriousness it deserves, while keeping the rest of the volume informative and with a sense of candidness.

It is in the way Pesuyama describes their closest friends and allies that a lot of that candidness and levity comes through. The volume reserves some chapters to highlight these people, and their positive influence in Pesuyama’s life. Some of these close friends also happen to be Queer and LGBTQ+ individuals, such as childhood friends Kemomi and Amenhotep-kun. Another important person for Pesuyama is Baraki-san, their best childhood friend. The chapters concerning Baraki-san are some of the most emotional and beautiful passages in the volume, and are a great palate cleanser.

The last ally for Pesuyama is their editor, whom they affectionately call Chill-bayashi-san. She was responsible for supporting Pesuyama when they decided to speak about their experiences, and she even took them to a lawyer to consult about X’s abuse. The lawyer told both that the case was not winnable back in 2013, but that thanks to the times changing, the MeToo and Japanese KuToo movements, this case could now be taken “seriously.”

This volume, too, exists thanks to these changing times. After all the ordeals that Pesuyama, and many other people like them, had to go through times are finally changing, and acceptance seems to be within reach. But for others, it is still difficult to accept that their lives won’t be put into question again, disrespected, or shoehorned. Pesuyama ends this first volume with a poignant and unresolved thought, by addressing their own particular elephant in the room: The times can change, we can change our relationship with our bodies, and with our identities, but can the people responsible for this baggage ever meaningfully change?

Until I Love Myself: The Journey of a Nonbinary Manga Artist volume 1 is available from Viz Media.