Dead or Alive Paradise Has “Creepy Voyeurism”, Says The ESRB

As expected, Dead or Alive Paradise is rated “M” for mature. You would expect a game this ridiculous to come with a hilarious descriptions of “deep cleavage”, but the ESRB wrote something unusually dry.

The author picked apart the game and questioned, somewhat seriously, if Dead or Alive Paradise accurately portrays what women want. Of course, it doesn’t. Dead or Alive Paradise has tasteless pool hopping mini-games. Anyway, here is Dead or Alive Paradise, as seen through the lens of the ESRB.

This is a video game in which users watch grown women dressed in G-string bikinis jiggle their breasts while on a two-week vacation. Women’s breasts and butts will sway while playing volleyball, while hopping across cushions, while pole dancing, while posing on the ground, by the pool, on the beach, in front of the camera. There are other activities: Users can gamble inside a casino to win credits for shopping; they can purchase bathing suits, sunglasses, hats, clothing at an island shop; they can "gift" these items to eight other women in hopes of winning their friendship, in hopes of playing more volleyball. And as relationships blossom from the gift-giving and volleyball, users may get closer to the women, having earned their trust and confidence: users will then be prompted to zoom-in on their friends’ nearly-naked bodies, snap dozens of photos, and view them in the hotel later that night.

Parents and consumers should know that the game contains a fair amount of "cheesy," and at times, creepy voyeurism—especially when users have complete rotate-pan-zoom control; but the game also contains bizarre, misguided notions of what women really want (if given two weeks, paid vacation, island resort)—Paradise cannot mean straddling felled tree trunks in dental-floss thongs.

That last paragraph is almost… philosophical. Can Paradise mean straddling felled tree trunks in dental-floss thongs?